For Whom The Fart Tolls

image

There are times in parenting when one can only blink and ask of the universe, “Are you fucking kidding me?!?”. Typically those moments force my first language to arise and choke out my ability to filter the sarcasm.

My day had been unfolding rather uneventfully…. Quietly…..almost, dare I say it?? Stupidity free……

image

But then the phone rang…….

Since we got new phones, new numbers, my phone is generally blissfully quiet. I glanced at the screen…..hmm a number not saved in my contact list, but local. Damnit!! Guess I better answer it since two of the three kids aren’t home. Had I known the sheer dumbassery about to be handed to me, I wouldn’t have answered it…..or would have at least grabbed a drink and a smoke for this shit.

image

“Ms. Allen?”

“Yes…who is this?”

“This is ‘insert administrator name I didn’t pay attention to enough to catch’….I’m very sorry to call and say that I have Jonathan here in the principal’s office with me.”

Me: “I’ll tell you what..you tell me WHY he’s there and WHY you are calling me and then I will gladly let you know who will be sorry.”

Her: “I’m afraid there has been an incident…uhhh…Jonathan told another 2nd grader he was going to kill him…and….”

Me: “Stop right there… We went thru this shit back in November and I’ve already told y’all how I feel about your silly zero tolerance policy, better known as “Watch us overreact” policy. So how about you skip the b.s. and tell me what happened?”

Her: “Pardon me?”

Me: “We shall see about pardons..  What.happened.with.my.son??”

image

Her: “Well…Jonathan’s teacher told me this student has a problem with….excessive flatulence..”

Me: *insert unladylike snort*

Her: “The other students tend to get quite frustrated with his excessive gas..”

Me: “Are you kidding me here?? What the hell does this have to do with MY child???”

image

Her: “He is seated next to Jonathan in class and allegedly was very gassy today…Jonathan got very angry and told this child that if he….*clearing of her throat* farted….on him again that he would kill him”.

Me: *long pause as I wonder if Ashton Kutcher’s ass is behind this in a “Prank the Sarcastic Bitch” episode.*

Her: “So….his teacher had to remove Jonathan from the classroom and send him to the office…and uhhh…I called in the school resource officer…”

Me: “Whoa!! Back the hell up! Let me get this straight…..you’ve got a serial farter in class….next to my child. Said serial farter is blowing off all day on my child and my child is supposed to NOT get fed up and say something?!?”

image

Her: “Ms. Allen, Jonathan threatened to kill the student. We must take that serious. The school resource officer and I…”

Me: “Stop right there!!!! Look lady, I get that you are a public school employee and are trained to toss logic out the window and adhere to a bullshit ‘zero tolerance policy’ that doesn’t do shit to address and remove ACTUAL problems but overreacts to silly ass shit like this…however myself and my fiance, Jonathan’s father and his stepmother raise our sons based on logic and reality…not silly ass dramatics!”

Her: “Ma’am….we have talked to Jonathan about terroristic threats and how we can say or do things at home that we cannot do at school.”

image

Me: “Terroristic threats??? You folks have lost your fucking minds!! This isn’t Columbine and he isn’t Eric Harris. Just how the hell do you think he’s going to kill your serial farter?? With a box of fucking Crayola’s???”

Her: “I understand your frustration ma’am..”

Me: “I don’t think you do!”

Her: “Jonathan is a very sweet kid and I don’t think he would really harm the student but we are bound by tolerance policies….the school resource officer and I have talked to him about the seriousness of terroristic threats and he’s very upset and emotional about being in trouble..”

Me: “First of all, you have a fucking COP there blowing smoke up my NINE YEAR OLD child’s ass about terroristic threats of course he’s scared!! And you can tell my child he is fine…he is in NO trouble nor will he be because this is bullshit.”

Her: “I know things were different when we were growing up ma’am….”

Me: “You’re damn right they were! School officials still used their damn common sense and didn’t hide behind horseshit policies that focus in everything BUT the real issues at hand!”

Her: “And just what am I supposed to say to this other child’s mother when she finds out your son threatened to kill her son?”

image

Me: “How about, “Buy your kid a fucking bottle of Beano”?? Or “Teach your kid that busting ass all over his classmates isn’t a way to win friends”??? Or suggest a new seat in class with his ass out the window for ventilation??

Her: *becoming more frustrated because I’m not crying and rushing my son to a shrink to see what level of psychopath he is for offering the serial farter a beating for continually farting in him* “Ma’am….I will send an incident report home with Jonathan today that needs to be signed and returned..”

Me: “You can send home all the damn reports you like but you will NOT see my signature or that of any of his parents on that bullshit. You will also not put my child in I.S.S. for this stupid shit. So just know if you assign him any days of being isolated from his classmates, I will simply keep him home those days.  He will not be punished for being a kid…saying shit kids have said for as long as history can recount”

Her: “I noticed an incident report from November that you didn’t sign regarding a verbal altercation in the lunch room”

Me: “You are correct. I did not sign that report because you failed to point out the other child had her hands all over Jonathan at the lunch table despite him repeatedly asking her to stop. Your damn teachers can’t seem to monitor the kids at lunch to step in when that shit is occurring but when he had enough and told the child if she touched him again he would knock her out y’all sure went into action!”

Her: “Ms..”

Me: “No. I am speaking and I’m not a student who will be cut off and scared into compliance! Jonathan has been raised, as have his brothers, that they will NOT bully another child or they will regret it when they get home because I can be the worst bully they encounter! But he’s also been raised to defend himself if another person is instigating shit. And while you adhere to your bullshit policies, we, in our homes, evaluate each incident individually and he will never be punished for defending himself! Ever! And know that when he needs to he CAN defend himself. He will take on his 16 year old brother when need be and hold his own.”

Her: ” I’ve told him what we say and do at home is different than at school. For instance, I may get upset at my husband and say “I will kill you” at home but I cannot say those things in school.”

Me: “If you are threatening your husbands life at home there are deeper issues than my child getting fed up with the serial farter, honey. Maybe someone should speak to your kids because that can’t be healthy” *all said in such sarcasm*

image

Her: “That not what I meant, ma’am”

Me: “See how generalized responses bring more problems than answers?? I’m hanging up now but do let my kid know he is fine and no ones in trouble here at our house. Send your note..I will send you one right back. But stop and think how YOU would react if I sat in your office all day, farting on you. How long before YOU get fed up??? Goodbye.”

So..my son came home while I was writing this and came to my room with his head down, scared he was going to feel the wrath of mama. I just looked up and said, “What up fart ninja???”

He promptly cracked up and knew its all good. No I won’t lecture my son on “what not to say when a master ass blaster is all up in your personal bubble with an ass arsenal”. No I won’t tell my child he is supposed to sit around, silently, stewing in someone’s sphincter sewage laced air. No I won’t have “sensitivity training” with my 9 year old because this poor ass assassin may just need to hug out his colon calamity.

image

I will tell him to scoot a little further away from the rectal rhythmist because at any given time he could be one fart away from the shart of the century. And ain’t nobody got time for that shit……..literally.

Meanwhile I may march on the capital to protest the “global warming” these excessively gaseous serial farters are creating in our schools. I mean I’m sure some laboratory in California has done a study to show that serial school farters cause cancer in lab rats.

I will demand less fart evoking foods in the cafeteria and gas masks for our children! I will demand their zero intellect policies be reworked to include Toot Terrorism and Methane Militia. I will cry out for them to ban weapons of ass-born destruction from this country!!! Revoke the conceal carry permits from these savage stink masters that are poisoning our children.
Perhaps with a case of yoohoo and a barrel full of Whoppers I can lure Michael Moore’s disgusting ass away from the buffet at Golden Corral and plead with him to make a documentary with falsified statistics on the toll these serial farters have on the learning process for our innocent children. Maybe I can get Sally Struthers to film a PSA while sobbing and blubbering as she begs you to save the children.

I will gather my musician crew and we shall pen the “We Are The World” of 2015 to raise awareness for this tragic truth in our schools and raise money to buy the public school system what they lack most……A CLUE!

image

Challenge THIS!!!

Oh hell.. …As usual lack of sleep plus the internet has set off my WTF-ometer this morning.

I am starting to really question the combined iq of humanity. Think I’m wrong? Let’s look at a few” trending” challenges, or as I’m categorizing them, “I’m an attention whore so please validate me!!!” trends.

image

First up, the fire challenge. Yes……the FIRE challenge.

image

There are seriously folks who are ignorant enough to pour alcohol, or some other flammable liquid, onto theirself and then light it on fire. While recording…….to look cool.

Are you not taught as children how playing with fire is a bad idea?!?  Oh….wait…that’s right. Parents are too busy with their own shit these days to actually RAISE their children. Silly me….I forgot!

image

Perhaps the above photo is effective birth control or a means to ensure the stupidity doesn’t pass to yet another generation.

Next up…..the” Space Monkey Challenge”

image

A variation on the “pass out game”…..but just as stupidly dangerous. The kids purposely hypervenhilate theirself and then have a friend press against their chest until they pass out…..

Sure, the majority of the time the idiot will quickly regain consciousness and be okay, assuming they’ve not harmed themself when fainting and falling…..but what about when they DONT regain conciousness?! I’m sure their little dumbass cohort knows first aid and cpr, right?!

image

This next one…..well…I’m not even going to address it’s name. Let’s just play pictionary to clarify…..

image

Need more???

image

This one….Sweet baby cheezits. ….I’m often a little bummed that I never had a daughter but this silly ass challenge makes me thankful.

Okay, essentially…as near as I can ascertain the idea given that I’m running on more than one functioning brain cell….the goal is for these females to try to photograph their self having the largest….ummm camel toe.

I cringe to even share an image but I cannot adequately explain this shit without getting way more graphic than I have any desire to do.

image

Okay…..first of all this shit made me think of the old McDonald’s character, the Hamburglar.  She looks like she is holding a damn purple hamburger!! It is not cute. It is not sexy. It is classless, trashy, stupidity!!

image

But what does this say about US….as parents…that our young females are even partaking in this shit for some skewed sense of validation??? Why are parents not being more active in teaching our daughters to rise above this shit?!?

Here’s a challenge for the parents….We will call it the ‘Get Off Your Ass and BE A Parent!’ Challenge.

It not really shocking to understand how our kids are walking right into this silly shit when we look at the parents who are supposed to be raising them!

Parents who are too busy with their own social life to even pretend to pay attention to what their kids are doing. Too busy trying to appear young and relevant on their own social networking profiles to worry about what their children are doing on theirs.

Yeah, I’m that parent who stays all up in my kids’ shit. Why? Because it’s my damn JOB. It isn’t up to teachers, or society, or technology to raise my sons. Its my job because that is what I agreed to when I conceived each of my genetic mutations!

I am always slightly stunned when I hear a parent remark on how they didn’t know their kid was doing ‘x,y, or even z’ on this online site or that social  networking page.

Excuse me!!?? Wtf?!

“Oh, I don’t know their passwords” “They changed their password or login info”

Give me a damn break!! Are they underage, no job havin,  non bill paying children or grown ass adults with Benjamin Button disease masquerading as kids to get free room and board?!? 

image

This is how shit works in MY household. We pay for the home the kids live in. We pay for the clothes on their back. We pay for the phones, internet, and whatever other ways they connect to the world of technology. They don’t.

They are KIDS…..Not tax paying, job having, grown ass folks! Therefore they do not somehow get to dictate whether or not we know passwords, login info etc. I maintain those little details and they know so long as they are MINORS who are living off MY provisions…I will monitor their actions. I will randomly check online activity as I see fit. I will call them to the carpet if they are crossing set boundaries and they will face consequences for bad choices.

But it also means I am safe guarding my children….because it is my responsibility as a PARENT to do so!! These actions recently caught someone we trusted, an adult, who was crossing serious boundaries with one of our kids. It was a shitty reality to find but God forbid I hadn’t and it progressed….because sometimes our kids don’t see the building nightmare in time.

Do my kids dislike me monitoring them? I’m sure. But as I’ve told them they do have options should they choose not to like it……lose their privilege of having these items or move the hell out of my home, get a job, and pay their own damn bills! They always have options.

And that is the genesis of the issue. Our kids aren’t owed any of this shit. It is an earned privilege that can and should be  taken away if they aren’t earning the right to enjoy them! Yet too damn many kids these days seem to use this shit as a bargaining chip with their parents.

“Oh, I will behave, get good grades, not be a little asshole if you give me_ _________” 

Get the hell over yourself! You will do what is expected because if you don’t your ass will do hard time in Mama Bootcamp! I will choose when and how to reward your ads at MY discretion, not because you act like a damn hostage negotiator!!

image

Look, it isn’t FUN to have to punish a child. In truth, it sucks. But guess what….it’s your responsibility to get off your ass, get in the trenches with your kids, and fight the battle of adolescence right alongside them. Because, you know…..parenting!

If you don’t teach your brat to work hard in life for the things they need, much less the things they WANT…then they will fail miserably. They will never grasp that life, nor society, owes them a damn thing. They will expect shit to be handed to them for simply breathing, because mommy and daddy did.

There is nothing wrong with giving your kid a gift simply because you love them….but when you are constantly giving them whatever they want just because they want it….you aren’t giving them the gift they most need……which is a work ethic and the gift of focusing on goals and achieving those goal for a desired outcome.

image

“But if I punish them, they will hate me!”  Give me a damn break. This is parenting….not a popularity contest! Their future employer won’t hesitate to reprimand them because your brat may dislike them for doing so. The guards in jail won’t hesitate to execute consequences because your child won’t vote them as their best buddy. Your continual quest to be the “cool parent” won’t mean shit on visiting day at the county jail. You will sit there with all the other aspiring cool parents, crying and wondering where you went wrong.

Noone is impressed that your kid has the latest iPhone, gaming console, iPod, blah blah materialistic parental pageantry bullshit blah, when your child is bankrupt of respect, integrity, morality, life skills, etc.

image

If your child isn’t being invited to parties, sleepovers, outtings, etc….buying them the latest and greatest isn’t the reason…..it’s because you’ve failed to create the type of kid anyone else wants to be locked in a damn car with! Their designer labels don’t mean shit when they are spoiled, ungrateful rude brats that no-one can tolerate.

I can generally look at a child and their behavior and tell exactly what type of person their parent is. A little bully isn’t going to stem from parents who don’t act that exact way at home. A little bigoted asshole isn’t likely coming from a home of loving tolerance.  Etc etc…

I could go on and on about this but it’s unlikely the parents who are a problem will see themselves as the problem. So, I will leave it at this..

Parents, I challenge you to be parents!! Stop worrying about your own social circus all the time and get focused on actually raising your children! Stop campaigning like a desperate prom queen wannabe and get in the trenches with your kids. Be willing to upset them if you make a decision they don’t like. Pay more attention to their activity than you do the latest ongoing drama of your own social media.

Kids: I challenge you to stop with the idiocy of these challenges which prove nothing other than the fact you are still too immature to turn away from dangerous, ignorant acts of stupidity. Instead take up the, “Pick up a damn book and get educated challenge!”

You want to be treated more like adults, yet your actions and words show how far away from the mark you are! Wake up and grasp that your parents chose to bring you into this world, but the world doesn’t owe you shit!!! If you want something, get off your pampered little ass and EARN it.

Its All Just Melanin Baby…

I look around me and see so much distress, distrust, and discord. It’s really hard to maintain positivity whenever every damn headline is like someone grabbed my fat ass, tossed me into a wormhole, and drug me back a few decades in American history.

You know the headlines….I will save us all from them being plastered into yet another page. And allow me to preface this by saying my heart and prayers go out to all of Mike Brown’s loved ones. No 18 year old should be gunned down and ripped from this world. My oldest son is only two years younger than he was and to even try to imagine my child being gunned down causes a white hot acid to rise in my stomach and my heart to ache. But the reality is my child, any of my children….any of US could just as easily be snuffed out as quickly.

Not because we are a certain race……just simply because this world is so overrun with bitter hate and calculated selfishness that there is no value anymore placed on the human life.

image

The stark reality is racism and separatism..And as always, I will not pretty my thoughts up or censor myself for anyone’s demand of political correctness. I will say exactly what I mean. I’m sure I will offend but if you’ve read any of my writings here, then you should be used to that by now. I will not dry your tears or coddle you if I do offend you.

I am just an average person living out my life the way I see best fits ME. I cannot or will not ever allow another human to dictate how that should be done. I will not allow another to shove me into whatever box they deem most fitting for the person they perceive or desire me to be.

There was a point where I allowed exactly that and I hated every single moment of it. It took several years to bust out of that fucking box in a swirl of strong willed, sarcastic, unapologetic girl and declare to the world, “THIS is the real me, bitches, accept it or get the hell outta my way!!”

And so many did leave…..but it didn’t take long to realize that they weren’t true friends…they were fake ass Frankensteins trying to create their own brainwashed, religious sycophant robot who dare not form an opinion contrary to their doctrine. I ain’t the one!

I have amassed new and amazing souls in my life. Free spirited individuals who don’t try to superimpose their beliefs and dogma onto everyone else. Who embrace the diversity in this world and see the beauty in it.

But still, being a girl born in the deep South, there’s a stigma. Folks make assumptions fueled by their own blinding ignorance. It is assumed every Southerner must be an exact replica of this:

image

Now understand, I don’t care for Obama. Not because of race or any other ignorant bullshit…but simply because I’m not fond of his actions as a president. I’m sure he has his positive attributes as a human…but we aren’t family or friends so that’s really not my concern. As a tax paying American citizen who votes.. .I’m not a fan. But this IS America, no? We have the right to opinion.

Yet, at no other point have I seen folks on all sides get so nasty over support/non support of an elected official!! I’ve been called a racist because I’m not an Obama supporter. My oldest child, while in fourth grade, was called a racist because in a mock election in class he didn’t” vote” for Obama.

I laugh that shit off. But my child, at the time, was hurt. He knew he had been raised by parents who taught him to never look at the color of someone’s skin, but rather to embrace humanity as a race. He couldn’t understand why he was attacked like that. And how do you explain that other than to TRY to break it down to, “Not everyone is raised to be color blind. Hate starts at home!”

image

I get up in a racist family…..but I didn’t know they were racist until I was 12. I know, you’re scratching your head wondering what the he’ll I’m saying. Allow me to explain. And if my extended family is reading this….don’t get angry….get educated!

My brother and I were raised with our father telling us, “You never judge someone for their race, religion, political views, or size of their paycheck…..you determine what they put out into the universe and how thry treat others, then decide if you accept them or not.” And that is how I viewed the world around me!

Growing up in Stone Mountain, Georgia in the 1970-1980s was vastly different than the melting pot it is now. The area was predominantly middle class and white. But as kids we didn’t see demographics, we just played with the kids that lived around us and had fun. No big deal.

I still can clearly remember the day my eyes opened to racism in my family. I was 12, in the 7th grade, an the area was slowly starting to see a tiny melding of cultures. It was a really nice early Spring day and my best friend Darla was walking home with me from school. I lived in an apartment about a mile from the school. Our friend and classmate, Josh, was walking with us. Josh was a newer student in our school and just happened to be black. We thought nothing of it!

Apparently as we walked home, laughing and talking, my mom and brother drove by and saw us. Again, no biggie right?! Well, later that evening when they returned home my brother came charging after me, ranting about seeing his sister with” that boy”, add in a few racial slurs that I refuse to use.

Thankfully my brother has totally changed his heart and views now…but in that moment I was dumbfounded! What the hell was so wrong with me walking down the road with my friends??

My dad reiterated his life lessons and had to point out the asinine viewpoints my mother’s side of the family held. But being blessed with an amazing father he encouraged me to not be drug down into that shit.

Even today I limit my exposure to a portion of my extended family because I have a low tolerance for bigoted bullshit.

image
I just cannot grasp why the hell folks don’t comprehend that the color of our skin doesn’t seperate us. No particular hue is superior to another. It’s all just a matter of the levels of melanin, or a particular class of pigments, that determine skin tone versus yours. There is no set “flesh” tone like found in a box of Crayola crayons! The ‘right’ shade of flesh is a prism of every hue of every single being that has walked the Earth or ever will.

Yet we want to ignore that truth and continually act like a bunch of idiots, using mere melanin to crack the surface of humanity with as many fissures as Octamom must have stretch marks!

image

There is a two part issue that has been the catalyst for me sitting down to write this. And this is where I’m sure I’m about to piss some folks off and lose some readers…..so be it.

First, there is no “reverse racism”….racism is racism, so hang that stupid shit up! It doesn’t matter who’s spewing the racist propaganda….its still fucking RACISM!!

I have had my jaw drop more in this last week than Blow Job Betty at a glory hole. The utter bullshit I have seen friends and family saying is disturbing!

My dad used to tell me, “Drunk lips tell the truth in someone’s heart” but I’m thinking it’s moments like this in history, the shooting death of Mike Brown, that are revealing some ugly ass true hearts!

Black folks saying some nasty shit about whites…whites saying some heinous idiocy about blacks. Its heartbreaking. And to see some of these racist asshats try talkin about” God” in the next post…..wtf?!

What God do you serve that is so nasty and infected with hate? What God do you follow that doesn’t abhor racism? I KNOW you aren’t talking about the God of Christianity because he made man in HIS image….so that means he’s a veritable rainbow of color. And that Christin bible you cling to talks about a devil who slithers amuck in the world….using distractions to draw mankind’s focus from God by flooding humanity with hate, division, angst, etc etc…. So uh……yall need to step back and get your shit straight before you bring God into this nasty ass cocktail of hate! Because you aren’t winning ANY souls to your God with this vile shit.

Secondary, before that can even be a possibility, this racism within a race has to go!! And don’t tilt your head at the screen, lookung like a dog trying to locate a fart that it heard but can’t see!!

Here’s a prime example of what I mean:

Last night, comedian Kevin Hart announced his engagement. I was on Facebook and reading the comments his” fans” left. If those are fans, I’m scared to see his enemies.

Yes we’ve all heard that his last marriage ended because he cheated. We’ve heard the exwifes tale too. But there is only three people who know what happened! Him, his ex-wife, and God. Plain and simple. None of us was there….and we aren’t God..so really it’s none of our damn business. And he isn’t the first person to have an affair….or to divorce. So who the hell is anyone to be commentating?!

But that wasn’t what made me scratch my head in confusion. Okay…so here is Kevin’s ex-wife:
image

Beautiful woman.

And here is his fiancee:
image

Another beautiful woman. But the messages bashing him for going out with a girl of a different race….. ummm…what?

They are both beautiful black women.

So then it becomes an issue…..once again…of melanin. Is he ONLY permitted to date women of a darker skin tone?!

And I read, appalled, at the comments from black women about how this light skin, gold digger stole one of the few successful black men.

Da Fuq?!? Five minutes ago he’s a cheating ass piece of shit….but NOW you’re mad because some lighter skinned girl got him?! The absurdity astounds me.

God forbid that man’s career had he proposed to a white female!

And its no different on this side of the color spectrum. White men raisin hell if they see a white female with a black male.

Its drives me up a damn wall! And reminds me of when my kids were younger. We go to the store and they each have a few bucks to buy something. They each choose their item and are already shit talking what the other chose…..until we leave. Then the fighting starts because one decides suddenly what the other picked out is more desirable than their choice and all manner of holy hell fighting breaks out. See the correlation here?!?

Maybe, just maybe, that chose that person, not based on race at all, but because they are a happier,more appreciative person versus you….always blaming others for your miserable ass state of mind.

But again, it comes down to the division and bitterness that quickly becomes racism. And continually erases the legacy left behind of those who gave their life in the fight for equality.

image

We aren’t born hating! This is a learned behavior. It is observed by a young child who looks to their parent to demonstrate how to approach life. Take a long look in the mirror…are the ideals and actions you show your children edifying or toxifying?

Our kids are the next generation to run this world….are we leaving them with the skills to make it better than we found it?

image

Our martyrs to equality did not give their lives for the bullshit we refuse to change. Martin Luther King Jr wanted true human equality. He did not want one race to Lord over another. He didn’t dream of us justifying our anger and division by events of the past. He laid his life down to erase that and give mankind a fresh slate, upon which to write a new history where all humans are equal and treat one another the same.

It saddens me to see those ‘leaders’ who fought beside him, continually stirring up the cauldron of racism. Every time they do, they piss on that man’s beautiful legacy!

image
Obviously I could go on and on about this….but to save this from being longer than Gone With The Wind, I’m going to move on.

The base of this issue Missouri is that we are dealing with a corrupt government! With a horribly unjust” justice” system. And yes, as angered Americans, we must speak up!!!

But rioting, looting, and chaos will not achieve that end goal! Destroying the businesses that keep your community going in order to make a statement about law enforcement corruption is like setting your own home ablaze to prove that 911 response time is too slow!

Sending death threats to the family of a cop who killed a young boy is as heinous as him murdering the 18 year old. None of this will change that injustice, and in all actuality makes all of this worse! The escalating chaos is going to get people killed!

Pointing fingers at each other does nothing to move forth towards the end of these horrible crimes…..it only divides us!

This is not a race issue. Its neither a religious or cultural issue. Its an issue of putting an end to these killings, and tht effort is slowed when those rising up against it are doing so in violent or destructive ways.

Its time for ALL humans to throw out the played out race cards and embrace the possibility of one race…the human race!

image

The historical reality of racial inequality is awful….we cannot undo that. But we can choose to realize empowering the atrocities of the past to still divide us allows it to keep us shackled to bitterness and blame. And if we refuse to break those shackles and carve a new path towards unity, then we have absolutely no right to bemoan the toxicity of racism and bigotry.

Change starts with one heart deciding to make a difference.

Chat

Straight….to the heart

I wasn’t going to write this post. I wasn’t going to wade into the rocky waters of this subject. In fact, I’ve been putting the final touches on a much different topic. And then…. bigotry happened and that psychotic She Beast in my brain began shoving me aside to access the writer costume.

50a79a7c4c996f08bc4487048c413913

My household is, as a whole, staunch supporters for true LGBTQ equality. We embrace wholeheartedly this fight and will never apologize if that passion offends others. Sure, it means we go toe to toe at times with friends or family who fight on the other side of this topic. But such is life with humans.

Tonight I shared this image on Facebook: image Allow me to preface this writing by saying that I will not lay forth my religious or political views here. They are irrelevant and neither support or negate the points made. A friend of more than a decade, who couldn’t be further down the spectrum of the equality fight than I am, left a comment that goaded me into rebuttal mode. He said, “I’m so sick of hearing gay pride this, and happy homo  that, and  religious garbage. How about We have a straight pride…”

 

Arghhh I really didn’t want to tackle this one tonight. I spent the better part of my afternoon/evening in the hospital receiving iv narcotics. Feeling just a bit too groggy for debating but Damnit this one hit too close to home! As I said, its a familial issue for my household. image The photo  above is my fiancee, taken at Atlanta gay pride in 2011. The parade is pretty much our favorite holiday of the year. So much love and acceptance overflowing the streets of Atlanta, Georgia. That photo was taken immediately before an altercation, verbally, between the idiots of Westboro and attendees of Pride.

Westboro was in place, behind a police line, their vile hatred echoing off of the high rise buildings of downtown Atlanta. After a stomach turning length of time of these people barking their ignorant bigotry through a pa system, a group of attendees moved to stand between them and other folks awaiting the start of the parade. As the attendees began to sing’ Jesus Loves Me’ louder and louder in attempts to drown out the hate being shouted one of these hate mongers crossed the proverbial line with me. image He singled out one of our chosen family members, Dixon. Who is an ordained minister. Who just happens to be a lesbian. That is Dixon pictured above with my fiancee. It was truly like a movie. Somehow above the roar of competing voices I heard it, “You see this lady in the ministers collar? She’s going to hell…and she’s dragging all of you with her!”

He spewed some other derogatory rhetoric, ensuring to single her out. I saw red and wanted to strangle this 500 pound idiot. I flew over to the gaggle of Westboro mental midgets and was prepared to cross the police line…but an Atlanta police officer stopped me. He rambled about THEIR freedom of speech.

 

I remained on my side of the line and lit into this fool. He popped off about how I couldn’t be a Christian and be there celebrating with’ the sinners’. I reminded him what HIS Jesus said about judging and loving your neighbors. He responded with a line about how pride is one of the seven deadly sins….and I quickly looked his 500 pound frame up and down and said one word, GLUTTONY. As it began to be more heated Dixon’s wife proved the power of silent protest: image She quietly made her way down from the corner we had set up chairs on for the parade, entered the street, walked up to Dixon, grabbed the pole of the pride flag that Dixon held, and without a word she kissed her wife. I was lucky enough to capture the moment in film…but the photo doesn’t give the viewer a sense of the cheer that erupted in the crowd as a sea of people began to yell and clap. With that beautiful point made, we dispersed….leaving the idiots to entertain themself…and returned to our spot for the parade. image This is only one example of the beating we see ftom those who hide behind their religion to justify bigotry. And that bigotry isn’t just aimed at LGBTQ individuals……but for the sake of this writing, that’s what I’m going to focus on.

Now, we all know that so many hiding behind their bible love to cherry pick what parts can be twisted to fit their bigotry fueled agenda. And we’ve seen how many want to run to Levitical law to denounce homosexuality. But do you realize Levitical law bans SEVENTY SIX practices?!

Despite what some of these folks want to believe, Leviticus isn’t a one paragraph book that only spotlights homosexuality. I guaran-damn-tee we are all hell bound when it comes to Levitical law!

* Eating fat. The eating of fat was a punishable crime as fat was to be used as an offering to God. Better put down those Twinkies and those fried foods!

* Eating an animal that doesn’t both chew cud and has a divided hoof. Go ahead and toss out that bacon!

* Touching the carcass of any of the above. Damn, I really hope you dont play football!

* Mixing fabrics in clothing. You better go check your closet! Go on….I’ll just be sitting here eating the bacon you cant have since we know you wouldnt want to be a hypocrite.The tags confirmed the blended fabrics?! Aww well perhaps burlap sacks will be the next little black dress?!

* Trimming your beard. Cutting your head at the sides. Hmmm we should see solo many more Cousin It’s walking around!

* Mistreating foreigners. Yeah, your Facebook posts speak volumes!

 

The list is lengthy but puts the cherry pickers into a lovely position. And usually when you use their bible to debate their bigotry they get defensive. They oft will not budge so I toss out, “Are you Jewish?

“No. I am a proud Christian!”

“Ahhh but you failed to grasp that your Jesus’ death negated old testament law. Therefore, if you are a Christian, old testament and Levitical law do not govern you!” “I follow Jesus and Jesus said…” This is when I cut them off. This is when you remind them exactly what their Jesus said: “Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and the greatest commandment. The second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.” Inevitably they will call up a verse within the new testament that speaks of homosexuality. Only to be reminded, Jesus NEVER spoke on homosexuality. Paul did….but not Jesus! So your Bible argument is invalid! Thank you, and piss off. image

Look, this isnt a “gay marriage” issue. This isnt a “gay pride” issue. This is a HUMANITY issue! This fight is no different than the battle for gender equality that ensued so women could stop being viewed as baby making slaves. It is no different than the battle to stop allowing skin color to divide and determine basic human rights.

5b90bd53797743b7a40959bd57634de3

Comments from folks regarding the lack of a “Straight pride” event drive me bat shit crazy. Where is this “Straing Pride”? Its every damn day. In every city. On every street!

 

Its in the freedom to walk hand in hand down the street with your partner without fear that some bigoted asshat will attack you.

 

Its in the freedom from fear in being able to parent children with your partner without worry a backwoods judge will revoke your parental rights.

 

Its in the freedom as a teenager to tell your parents about your first love without fear of being thrown out on the streets.

 

Its in the freedom of not being told you will roast in hell simply for being who you were born to be.

 

Its in the freedom of being able to walk into any court in any state and get the document that allows you to legally join lives with your partner.

Its in not having the fear that you could lose your job if your boss/coworkers find out you are gay.

It is in the freedom of not worrying that if your partner becomes critically ill or dies, you will be shut out of decisions and memorials by their homophobic family.

 images-41

The saddest issue I have to see is our youth who are thrown out like yesterdays garbage because their parents fail them. Having a gay child doesnt mean youve failed your children…..being incapable of accepting your child as they were created is failing your children!

Those same parents who desired to have a child…who showed off ultrasound photos…excitedly pieced together a nursery…passed out bubble gum cigars in hues of pink or blue….read bedtime stories and whispered nightly prayers with their child(ren) then turn on the viciously when their child summons the courage to voice the reality of their orientation. That same child you longed for, you now discard without a care.

The child isnt broken or flawed, YOU ARE! They arent the abomination of God…..you are! You hide behind your religious dogma but lets peel your facade away. Plain and simple, you are a boil on the ass of humanity.

You cling to your god, the same god you claim made mankind in his image….yet apparently the only aspects of his “image” you find to be palatable are the “hetero” aspects. That must thrill your god. That his faithful followers pick and choose from his creation what is deemed ‘right’ and would shit on their children rather than truly love them.

Yes Im sure I am coming across as harsh and bitter but allow me to explain! We are fortunate enough to be affiliated with an amazing organization in Atlanta. Lost-n-Found Youth.

LnF is the only organization in our big city that is working to get our homeless LGBTQ youth off the streets, into a safe housing envirinment, secure jobs, get needed medical attention, and phase them into their own places of residency.

This group operates solely on volunteerism and donations. And in its brief time has seriously made an impact! But if you dont understand the depth of the homeless LGBTQ youth crisis, you wont grasp the extent of this issue of parents throwing their kids out onto the dangerous streets!

40% of homeless youth are LGBTQ. In comparison, the general youth population is only 10% LGBTQ.

LGBTQ youth, once homeless, are at a higher risk for victimization, mental health issues, and unsafe sexual practices. 58.7% of homeless LGBTQ youth have been sexually victimized, compared to 35.4% of heterosexual homeless youth.

LGBTQ homeless youth xommit suicide at higher rates (62.7%) than heterosexual homeless youth (29%).

If you want more information on the crisis of our homeless LGBTQ youth, please visit large-1
 

Look, we cant cure the plague of bigotry in one fell swoop, unfortunately…..but we can start by changing one heart at a time…our own!

Our kids are being tormented at every turn…and guess what.. this bully, bigoted bs begins at home! Prejudice is taught. It is not a natural occurance. Your children listen and observe…and then put that negativity back out into the universe! So take stock of your own heart. Would you want your prejudices, your bigotry, your pure hatred to be directed at your child?! Because ultimately, all of that hate is poisoning SOMEONES child!

images-51
 

Fat Girl Floating…

Im sharing something I wrote four years ago about a family adventure. At the time my boys were 12, 8, and 4. No fat girls were permanently harmed in the making of this horror story!

images-27

Being the ever helpful girl that I am, I am posting this public service announcement here for the bigger folks.

 

For those here in Georgia who might wake up one day and think, “Gee….this would be a great day to pack up my family and head to the mountains for tubing down the river”….Don’t!!

image

In July of 2010, Miah and I had just that thought. So, we woke up and got the kids dressed in their swimsuits, loaded the cooler with food and drinks, piled into the car, and took off to the beautiful North Georgia mountains for a relaxing, family binding outting on the Chattahoochee River.

We arrive in the picturesque village and go right to the tubing company. Entering the building, we opt for the” all day” passes versus the pass to only make one run down the river. Something told me to also get the” push sticks” they sell so you can” easily” push yourself if you get stuck on rocks or whatnot.
image

Heading out to get our tubes, get required life vests for the kids, and to slither them with sunscreen, we are excited to start this lazy day of drifting downstream.

We board the shuttle that transports the tubers to the drop zones. The bus is packed with tubers and its suffocatingly hot…but noones raining on our adventure! The driver asks if we want the 1 hour, short run or the 2 hour, long run.

“The two hour, of course” we reply.

We are taken to the drop zone and we begin taking photos with our nifty waterproof cameras and gearing up for the fun.

 

Now, let me pause to say…I am deathly afraid of snakes. I hate the bastards! Doesnt matter wht size or type I do not like them, Sam I am. And the North Ga mountains are well known to have too damn many rattlesnakes, copperheads, cotton mouths, etc.

So, like any good mother, Id warned my kids that if we saw a snake they were on their own because Id look like a fat Jesus, running ON water to get the hell away from it. Little did I know that with the nightmare our adventure would become, I wouldnt have noticed if a damn ball of mating snakes came rolling down the river and landed on me!!

First obstacle, how do we secure the five floats together so we can all lazily float down the river?? We use the tethers Miah grabbed at the tubing company and lash the floats into one big clusterfuck of fun. Then we all climb aboard, ready to set sail.

Nothing……we don’t move one tiny millimeter. The water is just above ankle deep….so we start the butt scooting, wiggling, clawing at the riverbed with our fingers attempts to get moving………still. …..nothing.

We climb off the floats, decide to tether the youngest kid to me, tether the two older boys together, and Miahs flying solo. We all get situated and we’re off…

For about a hundred yards…then my oldest, Isaiah, flips his tube. He decides he’s dying and is flailing in the water, screaming, splashing, yelling to be saved. His push stick floats away. Passing tubers are rubbernecking. A scary hillbilly is on his porch, overlooking the river, he is half cackling at the spectacle and half hacking on the joint he was smoking.

I shake my head and yell to Isaiah, “Hey silly ass…..STAND UP….you’re in knee deep water….you’re fine!” Issue resolved, right?!

No! When his weight lifted from his tube, his scrawny younger brother, Jeremiah, who was lashed to Isaiah, shoots off downstream like he has Nos powering his ass. He’s screaming for help now. Miah dives off his tube, fights the currents, and catches Jeremiah.

Meanwhile, Isaiah is standing in that knee deep water he ‘almost died’ in, screaming that he is done and wants out…I point out the only way out is at the end of the tube route.

So, the river is ankle to shin deep in most parts, and rocky as hell. Fat girls make a tube do one thing……find every damn rock formation there is in the river and get stuck on those rocks!

 

images-29

By now, the youngest son, Jonathan, is getting pissed. He came out here to float by God! Not to sit idle while mom is flailing to release the emergency brake her ass has become, locking them up on every frickin rock! Thus begins an arduous process: get stuck, get unstuck, float a few yards…get stuck again.

Now, Mother Nature could be nice and ease up on the fat girl. Let that annoyance be humiliation enough…but no. Ma Nature is an asshole!

Oh no, we have to up the ante on humiliation. Lets take the fat girl, have the rapids turn her tube backwards so she is staring upstream and floating downstream. Then, just to be cute, let’s have spots where there are rock formations and the currents rushing over them like waterfalls. Then….let’s have the backwards facing chubby bitch get stuck on these rocks….balancing precariously, BACKWARDS, tilted over the rocks.

Oh and because she’s fat and gravity is an asshole, too……now she resembles a damn turtle. Flipped onto its back! You know, arms and legs flailing around…wiggling, thrashing, anything to just get free!! Praying like hell to its tiny turtle God tht some merciful soul will upright it!
image

Got the visual?? Now play it on a repeating loop….add in Miah who is continually hopping off his float to dislodged one of our stuck asses.

We fought our way down the river in this manner for what I’m sure was one second shy of eternity. At one point I scrambled, with no grace, off my tube to free Jonathan and I from yet another rock bully. My foot slipped between two large, jagged rocks on the riverbed. The water, while shallow, was moving pretty strongly. I’m clinging to our tubes to keep Jonathan from flying off and attempting to dislodge my foot and shoe from the rocks….in the process gouging a big cut into my ankle.

Eventually, we hit the halfway point, ironically the same spot I put my dad’s ashes years before. I am done. I want off this bullshit ride! I cannot believe I’m paying for this abuse! But more than that, dear Lord, I need a cigarette. But they are all back in that damn rented locker.

Miah and I are considering calling this adventure quits and catching the shuttle back to the tubing company….this halfway point is the drop zone for that “short” 1 hour run.

But the kids pitch a bitch. They want to finish the run…..because they are actually relaxing and enjoying this shit! So, we relent and drag our exhausted asses back onto the tubes from hell.

Now, the second half of the run is slightly easier. The water is deeper and the current pretty strong but there’s still some stuckage going on.

Then Jonathan loses his push stick. I jump off the tube to grab it and somehow get tangled in the damn straps. My thigh is caught in the tether….trapping me between the two floats. The current is strong and pushing me downstream on one foot! I’m clinging to our tubes, mine is trying to flip over my head….Jonathan is crying out to any available diety to rescue him.

Miah once again fights the river to get to me. He untangles the tether and frees me. Some kind person caught the push stick and gave it back to Jonathan. I’m exhausted, shit hurts on my body that I didn’t know existed. And I’m one rock encounter away from taking one of those damn push sticks and playing pinata with anyone who comes with striking range!

image

We are now starting to near the town of Helen. Fighting our way through tube gridlock that makes Atanta rush hour traffic pale in comparison.

From The patio of a restaurant that juts out over the river, people are sipping margaritas and beer….and shouting down to the victims of the river.

“That sure looks relaxing” – Yeah…relax THIS, bitch.

“How’s the water?” – how’s my foot going to feel when I put it up your ass?!

image

I’m so over it all at this point! We cross under the bridge that intersects the town shops from the hotels..oh sweet mother of monkeys, I can see the tubing company!! We’ve lived thru this hell!

Of course right at the ramp you exit the river on, the water is deep as hell and the current really strong. We struggle towards it, all three kids in tow. And with great effort, looking like angry swamp beasts, we crawl up the ramp and out of the river.

a030b12ba0f74aade1728ba282100480

They have teens working the ramp to collect your tube, gather life vests, etc. There’s a reason for this. Adults know they are putting their life at risk by smiling at tired, sore adults fleeing the river hades.

These kids….looked at us with big dopey grins, “Did you have fun?”

I growled something about ripping their spines out and flogging them with their own spine as we trudged up the ramp and to our car. Simultaneously we spot the clock on the outside of the tubing company building.

“Are you frickin kidding me!?” We both groan. Our two hour run, in reality, took us FOUR HOURS!!

We start the two hour journey home, amid the kids complaining that we had the” all day” river pass but only went down the river one time.

 

I am woman enough to admit it was only because I was too damn tired and battered to pull my car over that my kids came home with us rather than being thrown out of the car and left to become cave hobbits in the woods!

 

34649

Fatty Got Back….and boobs…and thighs

Yes, I know this will upset some. Tough shit! No-one is forcing you to read it. And if they are somehow, use your safe word and walk away!

image

My fiancee hates when I refer to myself as fat. He gets upset and says, “Baby, you are THICK”. But whatever term you want to use, us BIGGER folks aren’t daft….we are aware of reality. We are fat!! And its ok to embrace that self awareness.

So, I’m not going to be politically correct here….am I ever?! If you are offended by the term ‘fatty’ then you aren’t ready for this article anyhow. If you choose to read on and get offended, please don’t come crying to me! I will just hand you a mirror and a cookie and wait for you to mature.

I’ve often said there are two societal prejudices that are too often exercised and accepted….fat shaming and ridiculing the LGBTQ community. Its a sad proof that for all the societal evolution that is proclaimed, we as humans have a long ass way to go!

In the interest of time and sanity, I will only touch on one of those today. Because God knows folks would implode if I tried to discuss the LGBTQ who happen to be fat.

Let me start by saying, I’m a proud fat girl. I didn’t always meet both those criteria. I began as this:

image

But that’s neither here nor there. Life, kids, and chronic illness can change shit real quick! And often we arent emotionally all we thought ourself to be when that occurs. Honey you better be strong when society turns on you.

Not saying I’m a giant she-beast that small kids run from and news crews follow in case I eat a village. For those who do not know me, this is me currently:

image

The above photo was taken in May 2014 with the only thing that REALLY matters in the grand scheme of things: my beautiful family.

What that photo doesn’t tell you, nor does seeing me in public, is that I’m the survivor of a piece of shit relative who repeatedly molested me as a child, I’m the survivor of years of drugs and alcohol abuse to numb the demons of my childhood, I’m the product of surviving years of two addict parents, I’m the lucky girl who won, in the carnival game of life, a chronic illness that is, more days than not, physically debilitating….

You see, my photos or seeing me in public, do not tell you my life story, my struggles, or my victories.  But that judgement abounds…and not only by strangers! Sadly, we’ve all experienced it.

image

image

image

Now, let me stress, I am in no way saying” skinny girls” are unattractive or somehow ‘less than’ heavier girls. I’ve seen dear friends get super offensive anytime a statement is made or meme created that are ‘pro-fatty’. This article isn’t to slight them in any manner! It’s sole purpose is to pry into the inner thoughts of a proud fat girl, share some of my experiences and explain why those cutesy memes/graphics exist. Stick with me here!

image

I’ve actually laughed at those who are angered by LGBTQ pride events. The whole, “Why do THEY need a special day? Where’s’ straight pride’ day?” Uhhh….really?! Straight pride is every day, on every avenue, in every city! The world, sadly is its OWN ‘Straight Pride’ while LGBTQ populace must scratch and claw and fight for base line human equality!!

‘Fatty Pride’ is the same damn way. Don’t believe me? Let’s just look at a few things:

* Common misconception-  ‘Oh, you’re FAT so you must be riddled with health problems!’

* When you are fat and you deign to enter a grocery store, placing anything other than’ healthy foods’ in your buggy will get you looks of disgust as if you are strolling thru the aisle, pushing a cart of horse manure while singing racist melodies. Don’t dare put one Twinkie in that buggy or you will get glared at as though you’ve called Mother Teresa a dirty whore in front of the pope.

* If you are fat you must NOT have an interest in fashion!! Or so the designers think. You get to shop at’ specialty stores’ where you pay 3x as much for clothes that are shapeless tents. Designed by folks who think all fat chicks are 6 foot 8 and desire fabrics that resemble our grandmother’s 1950s floral couch.

* How many’ comedians’ rely on jokes about skinny folks while on stage?!

* Wanna travel by plane? If you are fat you get to buy an extra ticket for the ghost you apparently are taking on vacation.

* Are you fat? Yay! You get higher insurance rates!

* Try to find the amusement park for fatties. Yep, doesn’t exist!

* When you see a hot guy or girl with a skinny stereotype, do you stop and go, ‘Wow!!! What the he’ll is he/She doing with THEM?!’ Didn’t think so.

* If you hook up with a fatty, you get the honor of folks questioning your sanity, penis size, or social status….because you know, that fatty must be a consolation prize!

Society, as a whole, doesn’t care how they make heavier people feel. Much less, heavier kids! How often do our kids see examples of beautiful, full-figured women? Handsome heavier men?!  This is what we impress upon our children:

image

So how does that translate as they grow up?!

image

image

The above is a woman who has had numerous surgeries to try to be a living Barbie doll. Wtf?!

Any Barbie that is’ full fugured’ is only created online as a mockery. Yes, that’s positive for our future generations:

image

image

Where’s the happy medium? Where’s the imagery for our kids that beauty comes in ALL packages?! What the hell is wrong with creating this imagery?

image

image

We are not teaching our children that true beauty comes in all sizes. That it is NORMAL to love someone of any shape….and WE have to learn, my fellow fatties, that it is okay to be loved!!!!

image

Trust me, I’ve had my share of partners, hell even of friends and family, who fed that insecure fat girl deep in my psyche. I have heard horrid things from folks who supposedly loved me. It is no big shocker that when my fiancee came along 5 years ago, I took his compliments with a grain of salt. He was just another person, in my mind, who would build me up and then knock me down….leaving me more damaged than before.

Let me share a few tidbits:

The person who contributed genetic matter to my youngest son, and wasn’t himself rocking a six pack that didn’t feature twist off caps, actually said to me: “I’m going to buy you a’ normal sized’ wedding gown and hang it in front of a treadmill. You can look at it every day while you run! And when it fits you I will marry you.”

You can’t make this shit up. Lol. Needless to say, I miraculously lost 200 unneeded pounds by putting him out when I was 4 months pregnant and didn’t look back.

Numerous times on social media, I’ve heard, ‘You’re really pretty….for a big girl’.

Hmmmm, no honey, I’m beautiful….period! But you have such a big mouth for someone with such a tiny brain…doesn’t flood me with hope for your penis size either!

My mother’s husband actually said to me, ‘You were so beautiful in high school. You could have had the world in your hands!’

If I had the world in my hands simply because I was a thin blonde who fit society’s ideal of beauty…..it wouldn’t be a world I’d care to hold!

image

I could go on and on with a list of the utter horse shit I’ve heard personally, but we’ve ALL heard it coming our way….and to continue to speak of them gives narrow minded asshats prominence  here and I make a practice of not doing that!

The reality is this folks…..before you can accept that there are indeed people in this world who will love you regardless of, and FOR, your shape/size…..you’ve gotta fall in love with your damn self, bitches!

Until then you will regard any compliment, gesture, or overture with suspicion.

image

Here’s the thing, so many fatties/bbws/thick girls think, ‘Oh those skinny bitches just have it made!!’ ‘They’re perfect….’ or ‘If I looked like HER, I’d get anything I want!’

Really?! Because even a thin, beautiful supermodel can easily point out every single flaw she imagines herself to have. Everyone, regardless of size or age, will have some aspect of their physical being that they’d gladly trade/change if given the chance!

The grass isn’t greener on the other side nor is the bikini wax less torturous on the skinny side of the salad bar!

Poll 100 women of varying sizes, ages, ethnicities, etc and you will get 100 answers that show, fat or skinny, every woman has some area of their body that they are self-conscious of! Skinny gals are not somehow ‘better’ than us fatties, nor we better than them!  You’ve gotta let that shit go and embrace other women just for being women….not on size…if you want to move forth!

image

Once you’ve realized that, then sit back and ask yourself exactly wht is preventing you from loving yourself. This shit sucks, trust me!! You may have to lay a ton of ugly out onto the table that you’ve shoved deep within and tried to ignore. You need to identify it, confront it, and exorcise that soul choking shit Linda Blair style!

When you’ve mopped up the pea-green soup of self loathing, hung the crucifix back up, and refreshed your lip gloss…its time to view the world around you!

Is our world truly accepting of fatties? No. But that isn’t news to you! Just use tht information differently now.

image

Don’t even work yourself up over those who don’t like/desire your sexy, curvy ass. Remember, this is a diverse world! How bland would our world be if we all came from the same damn mold?!

So what if some like the tiny, compact look of a Prius?? There are plenty who love the big, bold curves of a 1948 Plymouth Belvedere!!

image

Diversity baby! Don’t attack those who are drawn to thinner girls. Just remember, we all have tastes and preferences. If not this world would be dull!

So, you’re free from self loathing…..go have fun!! Discover and explore your beautifully rounded body. Find which attributes you like best about YOU! And then play those babies up! For myself, I have many! But to keep this pg-13, I will just share a few. Lol

image

image

I love my eyes, my lips, and…well…my boobs! No shame in my game! I gladly play them up when we go out.

image

Don’t let society dictate what is right or wrong for your body! Take pride in looking, and FEELING, hot. Put on that corset. Or those high high boots….and hit the town! Regardless of what you wear the best accessory is going to be your elected self-esteem. Own that shit!

image

If you are still struggling to find your footing and choke out that negative bitch taking up residence in your head, here are a few starting points:

* All humans, regardless of weight, have low points….where self doubt threatens us. This isn’t a weight issue….its a human issue.

* Live life!! Regardless of if you are single & searching or committed & content, live the life you have! Get off your ass and go have fun!

* When you feel fat/ugly/blah, don’t give in! Get up, shower, do your hair and makeup, throw on your favorite outfit, and go OUT!! I don’t care where you go, just go! I promise even just one appreciative smile sent your direction will improve your mood.

image

* Don’t lower your standards! You’re worth the best so don’t settle. That’s the old, negative mentality that kept you in the bondage of insecurity for too damn long!

* Don’t settle for just being someone’s fetish/kink. Yes, all of us fatties know about the ‘fat fetish’. And while that’s good and fine, don’t be just the fulfillment of that for someone. Ensure they want the entire package and not just the fat. I mean, some are into cucumbers but you arent painting yourself green and slapping a produce sticker on your ass are you?!

* Schedule a photo session with a local photographer who is experienced in shooting BBWs. We see ourself a certain, critical way…but you may be pleasantly surprised by the way the photographer captures you!!!

* And lastly, don’t get into the’ tomorrow’ or’ later’ mentality. Do that shit TODAY!! LATER is just a lie we create so as to not be proactive, merely because we’ve trained ourself to expect disappointment and failure.

So get out there, fatties! Embrace life and live it at full volume with zero apologies, zero doubt, and no energy expelled upon the haters and nay-sayers…..because baby, You are beautiful!!

image

“Bitch, please!” Buddha

Allow me to introduce the newest resident of my psyche, “Bitch, please!”Buddha.

image

Yes, my brain is oft like J.J. Walker’s apartment building on Good Times…overflowing with a cast of colorful characters, an abundance of sarcasm, and the sporadic eruption of studio dubbed laughter & applause.

Tody I introduce the newest resident, “Bitch, please!” Buddha. Hereto after referred to as BPB.. Not to be confused with B.M.B.B., “Bowel Movement Bobby Brown. Also known as, ‘The Turd Whisper’…..flooding my cranial cavity with self-deprecating rhetoric.

Alas, I digress!

B.P.B. has undergone his hazing (All I know is it involved an order of onion rings from the Varsity, two paperclips, a Magnum condom, and a bottle rocket.), and is now a fully vested resident of Sarcastiphrenia….Aka my brain!

What purpose does” Bitch, please!!” Buddha serve on this planet? He is the deity who combats the ceaseless” Social Media Sages”….you know what I’m talking about! We all have them on our lists!

These” Social Media Sages” are those who try to spill profound rhetoric all over the halls of social media. They have the divine beattitudes that they are convinced must have been showered down upon them because they are just so spiritually evolved and enlightened by their sanctified journey thru this dark world……

Yet, you know them You know they are as nutty as Larry the Cable Guy’s turds after a fifty gallon vat of hot boiled peanuts. They are the ones that make you aware of the fact dogs MUST be more intelligent than humans because a dog would have sensed this creature was too screwed up at birth and eaten that fool upon birth.

Generally one can spot these Sage’s by their hypocrisy riddled posts.

“Oh, I only allow non-GMO, cruelty free, organic food to cross my lips! In fact, my salad is so pure, Jesus himself shat it out of his undefiled ass…”

image

Yeah…..until you are spotted hauling a bucket of KFC,  taco box from Taco Bell, and a bag of Big Macs from your car to your kitchen.

image

And we’ve all seen those Sage’s who live like the Devil 6 days a week and then spend their Sabbath plastering social media with memes, quotes, scriptures, etc. They re usually the ones spouting off on how homosexuality is of the Devil and the Bible says it’s wrong…..

Ummm, ok sweethearts but let’s talk about allllll that other shit your Bible condemns, yet you are the poster child for!!

image

If you just HAVE to pray for my soul, here’s a suggestion:

image

And we cannot leave out…..THOSE fools. The ones who try to come across as humble, yet constantly want to talk up any and every action that could possibly redeem them in the world’s eyes…..

image

“Bitch, please!!” Buddha would like me to remind humanity, if you have to repeatedly TELL the world just how fabulous you are……then you aren’t!

Don’t be that person who calls another female a ho! Not when your six children receive child support checks from six different daddies! Nobody forgot THAT tidbit but you!

Don’t be that fool spouting off about how you hate drama, yet you feature more of it than a Real Housewives marathon.

Hypocrisy is an ugly thing!! We are all guilty of it at times, but when that shit is your first, most fluent language, you need to take action!!

If you do not, then be forewarned that” Bitch, please!!” Buddha will be watching, waiting……And Ohhhh doesn’t B.P.B. offer out some life changing tidbits!

image

image

image

image

Welcome to Sarcastiphrenia

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale….a tale of a sarcastic bitch..

Ello and merry meet! Welcome to Sarcastiphrenia. What, pray tell, you may be asking is’ Sarcastiphrenia’?!

Don’t bother with Google or dictionary.com, they will be of no assistance to you here. For you see, Sarcastiphrenia is my own creation. It is my self appointed diagnosis….because any body who is somebody has a’ disorder’ these days….why that is damn near a required tidbit of info on our drivers license!

Name:

Date of Birth:

Height:

Weight: (Not your ACTUAL weight because who the hell puts that on there!?)

Disorder:

Ahhh the joys of our evolving society! If you don’t have a disorder, you may as well pack your shopping cart and move into the gutter with the derelicts of society. How dare you be so bold as to declare yourself Disorder free!?

So, far be it from me to not swim mindlessly downstream wuth the other fish. I tried on a few disorders before I carefully chose mine. It’s a hard process. Some were too large, some too small. Some just didn’t fit well or flatter my cellulite. Some were chafing or made me fear a rabid yeast infection because they just didn’t allow for air flow near my lady bits. Some were too confining and one was cut so poorly across the chest that it gave me the dreaded Uni-boob.

I was damn near defeated but then I had an epiphany! Our religious leaders and politicians make shit up all the time and the steeple just buy it up like a 500 pound stoner at the Girl Scout cookie table!! If THEY can do it, why the he’ll can’t I?! I’m far wittier and have bigger boobs than them, so by God I will create my own designer disorder with a great religious tale!

I packed my Cheerwine, my cigarettes, a dozen Krispy Kremes, and my journal….boarded the sky tram and rode off to the top of the mountain…..Stone Mountain. (Shout out to my hometown, Stone Mtn GA…Holla!!)

I was getting frustrated waiting on the almighty Lard to bestow upon me this divinely dispatched disorder…..I mean it had been 15 mins and I was 4 Krispy Kremes into this spiritual journey! I licked the glaze off my fingers and stood upon that granite precipice, crying out, “Lard!!! Lard! Why hast thou forsaken me??”

“Shut up, fatty!” I heard from behind me. Spinning upon my heel I honed in on the asshat who dared to interrupt my religious pilgrimage for spiritual awakening. Immediately the horde of sarcastic demons began to clamor for first place at the microphone in my brain.

My head spun a perfect 360, Krispy Kremes glaze spewed from my lips in such a vicious manner Linda Blair would have squeed in ecstasy. The sarcasm fluttered like unicorn poo particles within the donut glaze soup.

The inner A.D.H.D. demon that keeps me ever distracted overtook the show and I was like a bird……fixated upon the sparkly glitter reflecting the sun. And in that moment, the Lard spoke to me….

“My child, I have bestowed upon you the rabid pack of sarcastic demons that frolic within your brain matter for a reason…” the Lard intoned, “I have great….Heather? Heather!? Heather!!! Stop staring at the damn unicorn poo particles and listen to me! I’m trying to be almighty…and profound.. and shit!”

“Wha?? Who?” I stuttered. Still enthralled by the Unicorn Poo Particles…”I knew those bitches existed!”

“What the he’ll is wrong with you!?” The Lard bellowed.

“Don’t YOU know?! I mean you are the great and powerful Lard…” I replied, “If YOU don’t know what the hell is wrong with me then I’m really screwed!”

“Oh for the love of….well ME, “the Lard sighed in exasperation, “It’s Sarcstiphrenia, alright!! That’s your damn designer disorder.”

“What the hell does ‘sarcastiphrenia’ mean?!” I demanded.

“It means you’re frickin NUTS!! Driven completely bat shit crazy by the horde of sarcastic demons that inhabit your gray matter and frolic within your meat suit!” The Lard explained with apparent frustration. “Now go away….its time for the Kardashians.”

“You watch that shit!?” I breathed in shock….too stunned by this revelation to inquire more about my sarcastic affliction.

“Hell yeah, I do.” The Lard coughed out in a laugh, “It cracks me up that folks embrace evolution when I clearly created beings like the Kardashians to prove that primates are profoundly more evolved than some humans!”

I lit a cigarette and walked to the sky tram to descend from the top of the mountain….what did you think I’d actually HIKE!? Pft….save that for the skinny humans.

So, there ya have it. The history of how Sarcastiphrenia came to be. This is my affliction. My mind pretty much always sounds like an auction on crank. The sarcastic demons clamoring to be heard above the roar of one another. It’s a rough road but somebody has to travel it!!