For Whom The Fart Tolls

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There are times in parenting when one can only blink and ask of the universe, “Are you fucking kidding me?!?”. Typically those moments force my first language to arise and choke out my ability to filter the sarcasm.

My day had been unfolding rather uneventfully…. Quietly…..almost, dare I say it?? Stupidity free……

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But then the phone rang…….

Since we got new phones, new numbers, my phone is generally blissfully quiet. I glanced at the screen…..hmm a number not saved in my contact list, but local. Damnit!! Guess I better answer it since two of the three kids aren’t home. Had I known the sheer dumbassery about to be handed to me, I wouldn’t have answered it…..or would have at least grabbed a drink and a smoke for this shit.

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“Ms. Allen?”

“Yes…who is this?”

“This is ‘insert administrator name I didn’t pay attention to enough to catch’….I’m very sorry to call and say that I have Jonathan here in the principal’s office with me.”

Me: “I’ll tell you what..you tell me WHY he’s there and WHY you are calling me and then I will gladly let you know who will be sorry.”

Her: “I’m afraid there has been an incident…uhhh…Jonathan told another 2nd grader he was going to kill him…and….”

Me: “Stop right there… We went thru this shit back in November and I’ve already told y’all how I feel about your silly zero tolerance policy, better known as “Watch us overreact” policy. So how about you skip the b.s. and tell me what happened?”

Her: “Pardon me?”

Me: “We shall see about pardons..  What.happened.with.my.son??”

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Her: “Well…Jonathan’s teacher told me this student has a problem with….excessive flatulence..”

Me: *insert unladylike snort*

Her: “The other students tend to get quite frustrated with his excessive gas..”

Me: “Are you kidding me here?? What the hell does this have to do with MY child???”

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Her: “He is seated next to Jonathan in class and allegedly was very gassy today…Jonathan got very angry and told this child that if he….*clearing of her throat* farted….on him again that he would kill him”.

Me: *long pause as I wonder if Ashton Kutcher’s ass is behind this in a “Prank the Sarcastic Bitch” episode.*

Her: “So….his teacher had to remove Jonathan from the classroom and send him to the office…and uhhh…I called in the school resource officer…”

Me: “Whoa!! Back the hell up! Let me get this straight…..you’ve got a serial farter in class….next to my child. Said serial farter is blowing off all day on my child and my child is supposed to NOT get fed up and say something?!?”

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Her: “Ms. Allen, Jonathan threatened to kill the student. We must take that serious. The school resource officer and I…”

Me: “Stop right there!!!! Look lady, I get that you are a public school employee and are trained to toss logic out the window and adhere to a bullshit ‘zero tolerance policy’ that doesn’t do shit to address and remove ACTUAL problems but overreacts to silly ass shit like this…however myself and my fiance, Jonathan’s father and his stepmother raise our sons based on logic and reality…not silly ass dramatics!”

Her: “Ma’am….we have talked to Jonathan about terroristic threats and how we can say or do things at home that we cannot do at school.”

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Me: “Terroristic threats??? You folks have lost your fucking minds!! This isn’t Columbine and he isn’t Eric Harris. Just how the hell do you think he’s going to kill your serial farter?? With a box of fucking Crayola’s???”

Her: “I understand your frustration ma’am..”

Me: “I don’t think you do!”

Her: “Jonathan is a very sweet kid and I don’t think he would really harm the student but we are bound by tolerance policies….the school resource officer and I have talked to him about the seriousness of terroristic threats and he’s very upset and emotional about being in trouble..”

Me: “First of all, you have a fucking COP there blowing smoke up my NINE YEAR OLD child’s ass about terroristic threats of course he’s scared!! And you can tell my child he is fine…he is in NO trouble nor will he be because this is bullshit.”

Her: “I know things were different when we were growing up ma’am….”

Me: “You’re damn right they were! School officials still used their damn common sense and didn’t hide behind horseshit policies that focus in everything BUT the real issues at hand!”

Her: “And just what am I supposed to say to this other child’s mother when she finds out your son threatened to kill her son?”

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Me: “How about, “Buy your kid a fucking bottle of Beano”?? Or “Teach your kid that busting ass all over his classmates isn’t a way to win friends”??? Or suggest a new seat in class with his ass out the window for ventilation??

Her: *becoming more frustrated because I’m not crying and rushing my son to a shrink to see what level of psychopath he is for offering the serial farter a beating for continually farting in him* “Ma’am….I will send an incident report home with Jonathan today that needs to be signed and returned..”

Me: “You can send home all the damn reports you like but you will NOT see my signature or that of any of his parents on that bullshit. You will also not put my child in I.S.S. for this stupid shit. So just know if you assign him any days of being isolated from his classmates, I will simply keep him home those days.  He will not be punished for being a kid…saying shit kids have said for as long as history can recount”

Her: “I noticed an incident report from November that you didn’t sign regarding a verbal altercation in the lunch room”

Me: “You are correct. I did not sign that report because you failed to point out the other child had her hands all over Jonathan at the lunch table despite him repeatedly asking her to stop. Your damn teachers can’t seem to monitor the kids at lunch to step in when that shit is occurring but when he had enough and told the child if she touched him again he would knock her out y’all sure went into action!”

Her: “Ms..”

Me: “No. I am speaking and I’m not a student who will be cut off and scared into compliance! Jonathan has been raised, as have his brothers, that they will NOT bully another child or they will regret it when they get home because I can be the worst bully they encounter! But he’s also been raised to defend himself if another person is instigating shit. And while you adhere to your bullshit policies, we, in our homes, evaluate each incident individually and he will never be punished for defending himself! Ever! And know that when he needs to he CAN defend himself. He will take on his 16 year old brother when need be and hold his own.”

Her: ” I’ve told him what we say and do at home is different than at school. For instance, I may get upset at my husband and say “I will kill you” at home but I cannot say those things in school.”

Me: “If you are threatening your husbands life at home there are deeper issues than my child getting fed up with the serial farter, honey. Maybe someone should speak to your kids because that can’t be healthy” *all said in such sarcasm*

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Her: “That not what I meant, ma’am”

Me: “See how generalized responses bring more problems than answers?? I’m hanging up now but do let my kid know he is fine and no ones in trouble here at our house. Send your note..I will send you one right back. But stop and think how YOU would react if I sat in your office all day, farting on you. How long before YOU get fed up??? Goodbye.”

So..my son came home while I was writing this and came to my room with his head down, scared he was going to feel the wrath of mama. I just looked up and said, “What up fart ninja???”

He promptly cracked up and knew its all good. No I won’t lecture my son on “what not to say when a master ass blaster is all up in your personal bubble with an ass arsenal”. No I won’t tell my child he is supposed to sit around, silently, stewing in someone’s sphincter sewage laced air. No I won’t have “sensitivity training” with my 9 year old because this poor ass assassin may just need to hug out his colon calamity.

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I will tell him to scoot a little further away from the rectal rhythmist because at any given time he could be one fart away from the shart of the century. And ain’t nobody got time for that shit……..literally.

Meanwhile I may march on the capital to protest the “global warming” these excessively gaseous serial farters are creating in our schools. I mean I’m sure some laboratory in California has done a study to show that serial school farters cause cancer in lab rats.

I will demand less fart evoking foods in the cafeteria and gas masks for our children! I will demand their zero intellect policies be reworked to include Toot Terrorism and Methane Militia. I will cry out for them to ban weapons of ass-born destruction from this country!!! Revoke the conceal carry permits from these savage stink masters that are poisoning our children.
Perhaps with a case of yoohoo and a barrel full of Whoppers I can lure Michael Moore’s disgusting ass away from the buffet at Golden Corral and plead with him to make a documentary with falsified statistics on the toll these serial farters have on the learning process for our innocent children. Maybe I can get Sally Struthers to film a PSA while sobbing and blubbering as she begs you to save the children.

I will gather my musician crew and we shall pen the “We Are The World” of 2015 to raise awareness for this tragic truth in our schools and raise money to buy the public school system what they lack most……A CLUE!

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