Fat Girl Floating…

Im sharing something I wrote four years ago about a family adventure. At the time my boys were 12, 8, and 4. No fat girls were permanently harmed in the making of this horror story!

images-27

Being the ever helpful girl that I am, I am posting this public service announcement here for the bigger folks.

 

For those here in Georgia who might wake up one day and think, “Gee….this would be a great day to pack up my family and head to the mountains for tubing down the river”….Don’t!!

image

In July of 2010, Miah and I had just that thought. So, we woke up and got the kids dressed in their swimsuits, loaded the cooler with food and drinks, piled into the car, and took off to the beautiful North Georgia mountains for a relaxing, family binding outting on the Chattahoochee River.

We arrive in the picturesque village and go right to the tubing company. Entering the building, we opt for the” all day” passes versus the pass to only make one run down the river. Something told me to also get the” push sticks” they sell so you can” easily” push yourself if you get stuck on rocks or whatnot.
image

Heading out to get our tubes, get required life vests for the kids, and to slither them with sunscreen, we are excited to start this lazy day of drifting downstream.

We board the shuttle that transports the tubers to the drop zones. The bus is packed with tubers and its suffocatingly hot…but noones raining on our adventure! The driver asks if we want the 1 hour, short run or the 2 hour, long run.

“The two hour, of course” we reply.

We are taken to the drop zone and we begin taking photos with our nifty waterproof cameras and gearing up for the fun.

 

Now, let me pause to say…I am deathly afraid of snakes. I hate the bastards! Doesnt matter wht size or type I do not like them, Sam I am. And the North Ga mountains are well known to have too damn many rattlesnakes, copperheads, cotton mouths, etc.

So, like any good mother, Id warned my kids that if we saw a snake they were on their own because Id look like a fat Jesus, running ON water to get the hell away from it. Little did I know that with the nightmare our adventure would become, I wouldnt have noticed if a damn ball of mating snakes came rolling down the river and landed on me!!

First obstacle, how do we secure the five floats together so we can all lazily float down the river?? We use the tethers Miah grabbed at the tubing company and lash the floats into one big clusterfuck of fun. Then we all climb aboard, ready to set sail.

Nothing……we don’t move one tiny millimeter. The water is just above ankle deep….so we start the butt scooting, wiggling, clawing at the riverbed with our fingers attempts to get moving………still. …..nothing.

We climb off the floats, decide to tether the youngest kid to me, tether the two older boys together, and Miahs flying solo. We all get situated and we’re off…

For about a hundred yards…then my oldest, Isaiah, flips his tube. He decides he’s dying and is flailing in the water, screaming, splashing, yelling to be saved. His push stick floats away. Passing tubers are rubbernecking. A scary hillbilly is on his porch, overlooking the river, he is half cackling at the spectacle and half hacking on the joint he was smoking.

I shake my head and yell to Isaiah, “Hey silly ass…..STAND UP….you’re in knee deep water….you’re fine!” Issue resolved, right?!

No! When his weight lifted from his tube, his scrawny younger brother, Jeremiah, who was lashed to Isaiah, shoots off downstream like he has Nos powering his ass. He’s screaming for help now. Miah dives off his tube, fights the currents, and catches Jeremiah.

Meanwhile, Isaiah is standing in that knee deep water he ‘almost died’ in, screaming that he is done and wants out…I point out the only way out is at the end of the tube route.

So, the river is ankle to shin deep in most parts, and rocky as hell. Fat girls make a tube do one thing……find every damn rock formation there is in the river and get stuck on those rocks!

 

images-29

By now, the youngest son, Jonathan, is getting pissed. He came out here to float by God! Not to sit idle while mom is flailing to release the emergency brake her ass has become, locking them up on every frickin rock! Thus begins an arduous process: get stuck, get unstuck, float a few yards…get stuck again.

Now, Mother Nature could be nice and ease up on the fat girl. Let that annoyance be humiliation enough…but no. Ma Nature is an asshole!

Oh no, we have to up the ante on humiliation. Lets take the fat girl, have the rapids turn her tube backwards so she is staring upstream and floating downstream. Then, just to be cute, let’s have spots where there are rock formations and the currents rushing over them like waterfalls. Then….let’s have the backwards facing chubby bitch get stuck on these rocks….balancing precariously, BACKWARDS, tilted over the rocks.

Oh and because she’s fat and gravity is an asshole, too……now she resembles a damn turtle. Flipped onto its back! You know, arms and legs flailing around…wiggling, thrashing, anything to just get free!! Praying like hell to its tiny turtle God tht some merciful soul will upright it!
image

Got the visual?? Now play it on a repeating loop….add in Miah who is continually hopping off his float to dislodged one of our stuck asses.

We fought our way down the river in this manner for what I’m sure was one second shy of eternity. At one point I scrambled, with no grace, off my tube to free Jonathan and I from yet another rock bully. My foot slipped between two large, jagged rocks on the riverbed. The water, while shallow, was moving pretty strongly. I’m clinging to our tubes to keep Jonathan from flying off and attempting to dislodge my foot and shoe from the rocks….in the process gouging a big cut into my ankle.

Eventually, we hit the halfway point, ironically the same spot I put my dad’s ashes years before. I am done. I want off this bullshit ride! I cannot believe I’m paying for this abuse! But more than that, dear Lord, I need a cigarette. But they are all back in that damn rented locker.

Miah and I are considering calling this adventure quits and catching the shuttle back to the tubing company….this halfway point is the drop zone for that “short” 1 hour run.

But the kids pitch a bitch. They want to finish the run…..because they are actually relaxing and enjoying this shit! So, we relent and drag our exhausted asses back onto the tubes from hell.

Now, the second half of the run is slightly easier. The water is deeper and the current pretty strong but there’s still some stuckage going on.

Then Jonathan loses his push stick. I jump off the tube to grab it and somehow get tangled in the damn straps. My thigh is caught in the tether….trapping me between the two floats. The current is strong and pushing me downstream on one foot! I’m clinging to our tubes, mine is trying to flip over my head….Jonathan is crying out to any available diety to rescue him.

Miah once again fights the river to get to me. He untangles the tether and frees me. Some kind person caught the push stick and gave it back to Jonathan. I’m exhausted, shit hurts on my body that I didn’t know existed. And I’m one rock encounter away from taking one of those damn push sticks and playing pinata with anyone who comes with striking range!

image

We are now starting to near the town of Helen. Fighting our way through tube gridlock that makes Atanta rush hour traffic pale in comparison.

From The patio of a restaurant that juts out over the river, people are sipping margaritas and beer….and shouting down to the victims of the river.

“That sure looks relaxing” – Yeah…relax THIS, bitch.

“How’s the water?” – how’s my foot going to feel when I put it up your ass?!

image

I’m so over it all at this point! We cross under the bridge that intersects the town shops from the hotels..oh sweet mother of monkeys, I can see the tubing company!! We’ve lived thru this hell!

Of course right at the ramp you exit the river on, the water is deep as hell and the current really strong. We struggle towards it, all three kids in tow. And with great effort, looking like angry swamp beasts, we crawl up the ramp and out of the river.

a030b12ba0f74aade1728ba282100480

They have teens working the ramp to collect your tube, gather life vests, etc. There’s a reason for this. Adults know they are putting their life at risk by smiling at tired, sore adults fleeing the river hades.

These kids….looked at us with big dopey grins, “Did you have fun?”

I growled something about ripping their spines out and flogging them with their own spine as we trudged up the ramp and to our car. Simultaneously we spot the clock on the outside of the tubing company building.

“Are you frickin kidding me!?” We both groan. Our two hour run, in reality, took us FOUR HOURS!!

We start the two hour journey home, amid the kids complaining that we had the” all day” river pass but only went down the river one time.

 

I am woman enough to admit it was only because I was too damn tired and battered to pull my car over that my kids came home with us rather than being thrown out of the car and left to become cave hobbits in the woods!

 

34649

Advertisements

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Gina
    Jul 06, 2014 @ 01:37:59

    You are a riot!!!

    Reply

  2. Angie Carter
    Jul 08, 2014 @ 13:56:35

    So funny, I work as a reservation specialist for a cabin rental company in N. Ga.. would post this to our site but the cursing would get me in trouble.. but as a fat girl I find this extremely hilarious.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: