Welcome to Sarcastiphrenia

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale….a tale of a sarcastic bitch..

Ello and merry meet! Welcome to Sarcastiphrenia. What, pray tell, you may be asking is’ Sarcastiphrenia’?!

Don’t bother with Google or dictionary.com, they will be of no assistance to you here. For you see, Sarcastiphrenia is my own creation. It is my self appointed diagnosis….because any body who is somebody has a’ disorder’ these days….why that is damn near a required tidbit of info on our drivers license!

Name:

Date of Birth:

Height:

Weight: (Not your ACTUAL weight because who the hell puts that on there!?)

Disorder:

Ahhh the joys of our evolving society! If you don’t have a disorder, you may as well pack your shopping cart and move into the gutter with the derelicts of society. How dare you be so bold as to declare yourself Disorder free!?

So, far be it from me to not swim mindlessly downstream wuth the other fish. I tried on a few disorders before I carefully chose mine. It’s a hard process. Some were too large, some too small. Some just didn’t fit well or flatter my cellulite. Some were chafing or made me fear a rabid yeast infection because they just didn’t allow for air flow near my lady bits. Some were too confining and one was cut so poorly across the chest that it gave me the dreaded Uni-boob.

I was damn near defeated but then I had an epiphany! Our religious leaders and politicians make shit up all the time and the steeple just buy it up like a 500 pound stoner at the Girl Scout cookie table!! If THEY can do it, why the he’ll can’t I?! I’m far wittier and have bigger boobs than them, so by God I will create my own designer disorder with a great religious tale!

I packed my Cheerwine, my cigarettes, a dozen Krispy Kremes, and my journal….boarded the sky tram and rode off to the top of the mountain…..Stone Mountain. (Shout out to my hometown, Stone Mtn GA…Holla!!)

I was getting frustrated waiting on the almighty Lard to bestow upon me this divinely dispatched disorder…..I mean it had been 15 mins and I was 4 Krispy Kremes into this spiritual journey! I licked the glaze off my fingers and stood upon that granite precipice, crying out, “Lard!!! Lard! Why hast thou forsaken me??”

“Shut up, fatty!” I heard from behind me. Spinning upon my heel I honed in on the asshat who dared to interrupt my religious pilgrimage for spiritual awakening. Immediately the horde of sarcastic demons began to clamor for first place at the microphone in my brain.

My head spun a perfect 360, Krispy Kremes glaze spewed from my lips in such a vicious manner Linda Blair would have squeed in ecstasy. The sarcasm fluttered like unicorn poo particles within the donut glaze soup.

The inner A.D.H.D. demon that keeps me ever distracted overtook the show and I was like a bird……fixated upon the sparkly glitter reflecting the sun. And in that moment, the Lard spoke to me….

“My child, I have bestowed upon you the rabid pack of sarcastic demons that frolic within your brain matter for a reason…” the Lard intoned, “I have great….Heather? Heather!? Heather!!! Stop staring at the damn unicorn poo particles and listen to me! I’m trying to be almighty…and profound.. and shit!”

“Wha?? Who?” I stuttered. Still enthralled by the Unicorn Poo Particles…”I knew those bitches existed!”

“What the he’ll is wrong with you!?” The Lard bellowed.

“Don’t YOU know?! I mean you are the great and powerful Lard…” I replied, “If YOU don’t know what the hell is wrong with me then I’m really screwed!”

“Oh for the love of….well ME, “the Lard sighed in exasperation, “It’s Sarcstiphrenia, alright!! That’s your damn designer disorder.”

“What the hell does ‘sarcastiphrenia’ mean?!” I demanded.

“It means you’re frickin NUTS!! Driven completely bat shit crazy by the horde of sarcastic demons that inhabit your gray matter and frolic within your meat suit!” The Lard explained with apparent frustration. “Now go away….its time for the Kardashians.”

“You watch that shit!?” I breathed in shock….too stunned by this revelation to inquire more about my sarcastic affliction.

“Hell yeah, I do.” The Lard coughed out in a laugh, “It cracks me up that folks embrace evolution when I clearly created beings like the Kardashians to prove that primates are profoundly more evolved than some humans!”

I lit a cigarette and walked to the sky tram to descend from the top of the mountain….what did you think I’d actually HIKE!? Pft….save that for the skinny humans.

So, there ya have it. The history of how Sarcastiphrenia came to be. This is my affliction. My mind pretty much always sounds like an auction on crank. The sarcastic demons clamoring to be heard above the roar of one another. It’s a rough road but somebody has to travel it!!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Cyndi Hicks
    Jun 30, 2014 @ 21:55:44

    Yes! Finally someone has classified, categorized, and named it. Hallelujah…and shit. Looking forward to more!

    Reply

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